


Nineteen Drabbles & Counting

by poisonrationalitie



Category: 19 Kids and Counting RPF, Counting On (TV) RPF
Genre: Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Gen, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:06:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26873392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisonrationalitie/pseuds/poisonrationalitie
Summary: a drabble for each duggar kid, excluding j*sh and including tyler.
Kudos: 5





	1. jana; mom, please wake up

Jana watches her mother’s face scrunch and turn red in the same way babies’ do. Then comes the wail, and the tears. She steps forward, tentative. The washing machine thud-thud-thuds, churning matching maroon dresses.

“Mom,” she says. Her mother tilts her face upwards, tears dribbling from her chin. Her lips move in silent prayer. Jana glances up; there is no sign of divinity in the moulding popcorn ceiling. Behind her, Jill murmurs something like the scripture their father reads them. “Mom,” Jana says, a little sharper, stepping forwards again. Jinger begins to cry, too. Jana swallows. “Mom, please. Please talk.”


	2. john-david; who i want to be

John-David runs his fingers over his slicked head of hair, checking that the length remains. It’s stupid, he knows, and hardly failsafe. Hair grows back. But he can’t stop himself, standing in the mirror, heart still pounding from the visions night brings. _We’re not the same,_ he reminds himself. _God made us differently._ And even if He hadn’t, John remembers, it wouldn’t mean he’d fall into the same traps. It wasn’t something inbuilt, something you were born with; it was a result of temptation. Regardless, John will _not_ be like his brother, regardless of how much it wasn’t his fault.


	3. jill; lead us not into temptation

Jill slams the bathroom door, shaking the tiny house to its very foundations. Fat, hot tears splash down her cheeks, and her hands tremble. _I didn’t mean for it to happen,_ she thinks desperately. _Please, Lord, you know I didn’t want that. I didn’t. I would never._ Her bones rattle furiously as the sobs clog her throat. Her palms welt in a thick red line, stinging at the memory of the switch. _I didn’t want him to be tempted. I didn’t want Joy to tempt him. I didn’t, I wouldn’t, I’m a good girl._ Excuses, all of them, she knows.


	4. jessa; - action

Jessa pulls the knot of Jeremiah’s shoelaces tight, and pats him on the head, dismissing him. He toddles away. She then turns her attention to her dress, smoothing it down, and to her hair in turn, pushing back the stray frizz. She smiles from cheek-to-cheek, like she was taught. She slips out of the bedroom, grabbing Jinger’s hand. They peek around the corner. Their mother talks to the big black cameras, laughing, and Justin sits at her feet, babbling happily. Eight tall men stand around writing notes and holding lights. Her father watches the cameras, nodding. Her turn is soon.


	5. jinger; lights, camera -

Jinger pinches the hem of her dress, and twists it tight. They ask so many questions; she wriggles, clicking her heels. _Um._ The lights are too bright, staring her down. Her parents aren’t any help, watching from the corner of the room. “I like piano,” she manages, thinking of her lessons, “and violin.” She’s better than Jessa at violin, but Jessa’s better at everything else. “Um.” The cameraman presses one of the buttons on the camera. Like God, he can change how everything looks, if it’s close or blurry or bright. She’s not allowed to touch it, but. She frowns.


	6. joseph; understand?

Joe thumbs his nose. “Okay,” he says, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. It is okay; really. His cheeks burn hot. He doesn’t really know why he asked in the first place. They were never going to say yes, not in a million years.

“You just have to understand -” his father goes on, and he nods. It seems stupid now to have made such a big deal of a little thing. He just needs to _understand._ He listens to his father, always the obedient son, but sucks in his breath when he’s slapped on the back. “That’s all.”


	7. josiah; carefree (careless)

Josiah throws his head back, tears in his eyes, laughing harder than he ever has in his life. A tater tot hits him on the cheek. He scoops it up from the table and pops it in his mouth, grinning at his sister.

“It’s not _my_ fault,” he says, leaning back in his chair.

“You did it!”

“You fell for it,” he reminds her, popping his collar up.

“Not fully!”

“Yeah, you did!” These are the sorts of arguments he can bother with now, in this big house with his own bed and toy and brand new shoes. It’s _awesome._


	8. joy-anna; modesty

Joy balls up the dress and lands it in the basin, a perfect shot. Her brothers would cheer, but Jana just shakes her head, lips pressed together tight. Joy snorts; she looks constipated. “I’m not wearing it,” she says roughly. “That’s three times I’ve had ticks up there, and the boys never get them!”

“It’s about being _modest_ ,” Jill swoops in, “and embracing being _feminine.”_ That’s all she ever hears these days; _modest, feminine,_ whatever. She’ll run from the perfume and the perms for as long as she can, including right now. She sprints past Jana, skidding down the hall.


	9. jedidiah; limelight

Jed stands by his father’s side among the throng; any semblance of age order was abandoned when Jennifer burst into tears, and then Justin wanted to play with Jordyn and Joy wandered over to Joe. With some laughing and a couple of taps on the microphone, his father once more gains the attention of the audience. Jed watches them watching him. They all gaze at his dad like he’s their headship, too, even the men. They say their names in age order, and Jed stumbles slightly, rushing after Joy. Nobody seems to notice. Everyone’s smiling. He decides he likes this.


	10. jeremiah; black and white

Jer finds quiet in the black and white squares, squirrelled away in a distant corner of the house. It’s easy enough to find someone to play against, even if nobody particularly likes it – he trades off chores like they’re the houses his dad talks about. He quickly learns where to put his pawns and memorises how the knights and bishops move. The matches begin to end with checkmate rather than a frustrated sibling storming off. He spends several weeks’ worth of afternoons winning, elated, until Josie sucks on a piece. It’s abruptly packed away. He should’ve known it couldn’t last.


	11. jason; closeted contemplation

Jason runs his finger along the jagged line of stitches, all that marks him as different from the rest. His mother calls him ‘Jedidiah’ for the third time that day and he storms off, blood pumping, and then finds himself on his knees in the prayer closet, leaning his head against the cream wall, door locked from the outside. It’s a trick. Technically, any of his siblings could come by and free him, twist the lock open and let him out – but if his parents glimpse him, they’ll all be punished. Collusion, his father calls it. Jason’s eyes squeeze shut.


	12. james; years

James wants to hug his sister like he’s a little kid again, to wrap his arms around her and for it to not be a sin or anything but just normal. It’s been months since he’s seen her and she looks different and yet the same. She’s still Jill, but somehow a million years older than she was just two years ago, before marriage and a baby and the mission field. Instead of hugging her, of proclaiming how much he missed her, he stays still, letting the girls swoop in to coo over Israel. Finally, she approaches him.

“James.”

“Jill.”


	13. justin; undercarriage

Justin slides out from beneath the car, cheeks smudged black. Mentally, he runs through everything he saw, everything he touched. Joe, Jed, Jer, Jason, and James all look upside downfrom this angle, and he wants to laugh. He bites it back. Finally, finally, he’s getting the chance to hang out with them, provided he can prove that he’s old enough, and not all immature like Jackson and the little girls. Beneath the grease smears, his cheeks glow red against his smattering of freckles. Jer raises his brows. Jason grins. Justin swallows.

“There’s nothing wrong with the car, is there?”


	14. jackson; shadowed

Jackson drums his fingers on his knees in the pattern of some Flame song Ben played for him, the only thing he’s ever heard with a beat. He can feel his parents’ eyes on him. He feels like a criminal.

“Do you want to confess to us?” his father asks. A lump sticks in his throat, and words swirl in his mouth like mintt wash and he remembers what Siah indignantly said before freezing up. He just wanted to see Hannie, and they keep putting them at opposite ends of the house and table and he’s lonely. 

“I’m not Josh.”


	15. johannah; changes

Johannah stomps the pedal and slams the diaper in the bin.

“Gentle,” Jana tells her. She storms back to the changing table, glaring at Mason. Envy is a sin and all, but she has no patience to pray today. Nor to be lectured in taking care of babies that have perfectly capable mothers just over in the other room.

“I want to see Jackson,” she spits, picking Mason up. He gurgles.

“You should’ve thought about that before running around at all hours of the night and wandering off to places you’re not meant to,” Jana says. “You’re holding him wrong.”


	16. jennifer; priority

Jennifer pulls the blanket over her head, barricading herself from the rest of the world. Her eyes burn like forest fires and spittle coats her lips. Don’t be a baby, she tells herself, but she cries all the same. It doesn’t make sense. Jill would never miss her birthday, she never has before, and she always gets her something just for herself, and gives her a massive hug and lets her hold Israel, and nobody gets to take him away. Apparently, this year she was just too busy with Sam, and it was too hard. Jenni’s not a priority now.


	17. jordyn; youngest

Jordyn sits on the stairs, glumly watching Ivy crawl. Her buddy’s kid, so her responsibility. Marcus thunders past her, kneeing her in the shoulder.   
“Oi!” she shouts, but he’s already disappeared. She cradles her chin in her hand. The summer heat is thick and oppressive, pouring in through every window and open door. Sweat clings to the skin hidden by her lime leggings. She shifts uncomfortably, and blows a raspberry at Ivy. Ivy blinks at her.

“Lucky you,” Jordyn says. “No babysitting yet.” She wonders what it’s like to be the youngest. She never really had the chance. Thanks, Josie.


	18. josie; the young and the restless

Josie doesn’t know how any of them manage to sit so still. Jana uses too many big words and goes on about stupid stuff. Josie just wants to run, she wants to ride her bike or throw water balloons or go to the lake and swim. Jana leans over, taking a red pen to her spelling. Josie scrunches her nose. What does it matter if she can spell or not? She can talk, can’t she? It’s not like she has to write the Bible. She kicks Jenni under the table. Jenni glares at her. Nobody ever wants to have fun.


	19. tyler; switch our places

Tyler wonders what it would be like to be a Duggar. Properly one, not a Hutchins living with them, but was Jackson’s brother instead. He wonders what it would be like to live with his mother. He still remembers bits and pieces from before he joined the boys’ room – pink talking dogs on Saturday mornings, and lining up outside a classroom with a bunch of people he didn’t know, and two women kissing at the gates. Jackson doesn’t believe him. Tyler thinks he wouldn’t believe Jackson about his life, if he didn’t sleep on the bunk below him every night.


End file.
